


no going back

by ardett



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Abandonment, Emotional Hurt, Gen, Moving On, References to Depression, really not important to read, this is just a vent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-04
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-17 14:08:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29842674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ardett/pseuds/ardett
Summary: after the end of unus annus, ethan sinks
Relationships: Mark Fischbach & Ethan Nestor, Mark Fischbach/Ethan Nestor
Comments: 8
Kudos: 57





	no going back

**Author's Note:**

> while I've been taking a break though, I've kind of graduated from the ua fandom and honestly, that's okay. the point is learning to let go, right? I didn’t want to leave on the note of my last fic though, so this is a quick feelings dump as I’m learning to move on
> 
> inspired by [this art caption](https://ardett.tumblr.com/post/639057172860403712)

these words ring in ethan’s head: there’s no going back.

he thinks about it alone in his bathroom: there’s no going back.

he thinks about it when he has a kitchen knife in his hand: there’s no going back.

he hasn’t heard mark say his name in over a month: there’s no going back.

he burns his hand on a kitchen pan and it’s on purpose: there’s no going back.

he skips meals he doesn’t mean to and eats to the point of sickness: there’s no going back.

he stays up late reading and can’t remember any of it in the morning: there’s no going back.

he thinks about it as he stares at the ceiling, mic off in an empty discord call: there’s no going back.

he misses hearing songs through bathroom walls at parties, the sick heat of being drunk: there’s no going back.

all the mirrors in his house are cracked but only when he looks at them sideways: there’s no going back.

what is there to even go back to?

no channel, no videos, no streams, no social media.

no hugs, no friends, no acquaintances. 

he thought there was supposed to be a party at the end of the world.

but it’s only the end of his world, he guesses.

he hasn’t felt like this in a long time. and he wants to look forward but there’s nothing there.

he feels like there was a nuclear bomb set off, clearing out everyone and everything he ever knew, incinerating every last muscle and fiber and artery and blood vessel, but he’s the bomb. and in the end, he’s the only thing left.

him, and his ashes, his shrapnel, his radioactive decay, and the barren empty landscape.

if he could explode, he would. but there’s nothing like that left inside him anymore. every path is a circle that leads him back here.

and he misses it. god, he misses it. he misses having a purpose

ethan spends so many days staring at his ceiling, all the led lights in his room turned to red. he sleeps and wakes up tired and he doesn’t know where the sun went.

yeah, he knows.

the drop is unfathomable.

there’s no going back.


End file.
